To everything there is a purpose.

Can it really be that I only have 9 days left?

Where has the time gone?  Five years is a long time, but yet it feels like it's been months.  I can remember the mark of my first year.  I was driving home, amazed that it had already been a year since I made the promise to not date.  And now I'm 9 days away from the five year mark. {CRAZY!}

Lately I feel mixed emotions...

Part of me doesn't want it to end. Mostly because it's all I've ever known; not being able to date. But the other part of me is so excited at what the Lord has for me after this season ends.

 Sometimes I wonder if He is going to ask me for another year or two or even five...the thought of that kind of scares me...but I know that if He does ask there is a purpose. 

{Purpose} I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has a purpose for everything He does.

I see His purpose in so many facets of my life; His purpose for calling me away.  Some of the things I've learned through these past five years have been extremely hard and challenging.   

  Right around the time I turned twenty, the Lord took me on a journey of finding who I was in Him.  You see, before then, I had no idea who I was. In fact, there were times where I hated who I was.   I was awkward around people, I didn't know how to let people in to see the real me.  I was afraid of being rejected, so therefore I didn't give an opportunity to be rejected. 

   Thus began the process of the Lord revealing my heart-including the deepest things that I wanted to leave buried.   I can see now, why it was necessary.   Through these five years I've been given the opportunity to learn and grow in the Lord in a way that maybe I wouldn't have, had I not stepped out and separated myself.

 This week has been a trying week emotionally.   I've really had to make a conscious effort to trust that the Lord desires to give me good things, and that He doesn't bring them into my life, dangle them in my face and say, "Oh, I know you want this, but you can't have it".  "You've dreamed of this, but you aren't good enough, you aren't adequate enough."    I feel like the enemy has been trying to steal my hope and joy in the possibilities that are to come.  Once I realized this, I was reminded of some of the Psalms that David wrote. How he cries out to the Lord, tells God honestly how he feels, but then He speaks out the truth of who he knows God to be and glorifies God in all His righteous ways.  

 And then I wrote down the truth of who I know God is to me in this moment right now.

Abba, 

I am resolving to believe that Your way is perfect; Your timing is impeccable, and Your ways are higher and nobler than mine ever will be. So I choose to trust and expect good things from You. I am placing my hope-not in man, but in what You can do.  You see my deepest desires and you see the details of those desires.  With everything I am and ever will be, I desire to know You and be close to You. I trust You. I trust You. I trust You.

                                             

I want you...

When people used to ask me, "What do you dream of being when you grow up?"  I never really knew what to say to them...

What did I dream about? 

After a while of thinking about it, I realized that what I truly dreamed about was being a wife and a Mother.  Those were my dreams..are my dreams.

When I was younger, all I ever wanted was to have a "boyfriend".

But, I wasn't allowed to until I turned 18.  I remember having conversations with my Mom so many times asking, "why? why can't I date? It's not fair! My life's over!" 

(such a dramatic life of a young teenager)

Ohhh the wisdom my parents had in not letting me date and do whatever I wanted when it came to wanting to be in a relationship.  

I can't thank them enough for protecting my heart in that area, especially when I was so ready to give it away prematurely.

Through my high school years I kept expecting some guy to appear in my life and sweep me off my feet.

 But, it never happened. 

 I had a few good guy friends, but never one that I could see myself marrying. But there also was never anyone who pursued me.

(I now thank God daily for His protection over me)

The Fall after I graduated I decided to go to Youth With A Mission (also known as YWAM) in 

Nashville, TN.

There I did a discipleship training school and spent three months in a "lecture" phase where I learned basic biblical principles on how to have a relationship with God and how to really live in constant communion with the Lord, as well as developing a knowledge of the world around and learning how to pray for them and reach the lost for Christ. This was followed by an 8 week outreach overseas; putting into practice all that I learned.

The summer before I left for YWAM, I was convinced I was going to meet the "Man of my dreams"  and get married soon after. 

Well....that definitely did not happen...and I'm so thankful it didn't.

I  did develop amazing friendships and still keep in touch with several people from a school I did 5 years ago.

What does all this have to do with not dating, you ask?  Well, YWAM was the place I made the commitment and started walking down a path that would forever change who I was.

Here's how it happened:

Saturday, December 2nd, 2006.

I didn't have anything to do this particular Saturday, so my class-mate, Laura and I were going to go into one of the spare classrooms and spend time with Jesus.

After being in there for a couple hours, I laid facedown on the ground and the Lord began to speak to me through a picture.

In this picture, I saw a young girl with long curly brown hair, wearing a white dress walking up a hill. 

Her goal was to get to the top and see what was on the other side of this hill.

As this girl was walking up, I heard the Lord say, "Stop, lay down, and look at the sky", so then the girl proceeded to do just so. 

As she looked at the sky the Lord said "Seek Me" and then wrote "I love you" in the clouds.

(By now you can probably guess that I am the "girl")

The next thing I remember is hearing God speak in what was the closest thing to an audible voice that I've ever heard from Him and He said,

 "I want you for five years."

What?!

Did that really just happen? 

Yes. Yes indeed it did, and so I began to process verbally what it meant for Him to have me for five years.

In my mind, for me to be completely His it meant not dating.

No relationships.

Did I really want to commit to that?

I thought out how if I didn't commit then I would probably have a miserable next five years(maybe..maybe not..I'll never know :)

 If I did commit to not date, then I was going to be taken on an amazing journey. Hard? Yes.Worth it? Definitely.

And it was in that moment that I fully surrendered my next five years to just focusing on God and what He wanted to do in and through me.

....more to come

You what?!

The reaction I get when I tell others that I am not dating for (5) years is a reaction that I never get tired of seeing or hearing.

 I love it.

Let's be honest, how many people do you know who do that sort of thing these days?  I only know of a few who committed to not date, and even then I've yet to meet someone who committed for longer than 2 years. (Aside from Misty Edwards who is devoting her whole life to Jesus, with 10 year commitments. It's amazing and humbling).

I never dreamed that that little word {yes}  would impact and be used to change my entire life as I knew it.

Thus the fact I am here, writing about it. 

My commitment to Jesus to not date for (5) years is almost complete.

According to my good friend Rachel, I have exactly 28 days left. 

Twenty-eight days.....

How did I get here so quickly? Has it really been almost five years? 

Through these years I've learned about so many different things when it comes to being me and having healthy relationships.

  I've grown in ways I don't think would have happened, had I not been in the season of life I choose to be in with not dating. 

And would you permit me to share my story, I would like to start from the beginning and recount what the Lord has done in my heart and mind through my season of "Me& Jesus".

I hope that it is encouraging and brings hope to someone who feels hopeless. 

..but if none of that, I at least hope you find it entertaining. 

Enjoy!